The notion of an idea, is a wonderful thing. It is full of hope and ambition. It flows freely and wonderfully and creates connections, whilst fulfilling dreams. Ideas and daydreams, are very similar and could be confused for one another. We hope that ideas move to reality, but sometimes they are no more real than fairy tales – ordinary glitter, glorified to fairy dust. A promise to carry us all to Neverland where children rule and pirates always lose.
The pirate of my life, is naivete. Resulting in a couple of marriage breakups, and the ensuing court proceeds and shared custody in varying and confusing ratio’s. As part of this beautiful new arrangement, where separation has created freedom… No, hold on a second. It hasn’t free’d me of anything. What separation does, is reduce annoying every day things that one would have to endure in a marriage (farts, burps, making dinner) and instead, replaces it with a person so wholly insecure and angry that he has to take out his insecurities on the little lives he helped create.
The court process, plays on perfection and dreams that do not exist – except in Peter Pan. Let us face one small reality, and that is; if two people were truly reasonable – they would not have ended up in court before a judge to allocate time and custody. This would have worked itself out in civilized conversation. Allocating a set time for a telephone conversation, this small thing…. an idea, so fairytale-ish that it confuses the senses. It doesn’t really – but let me just follow this idea for a moment for the very reason that I have just hung up the phone from speaking with my two sons. They sounded monotone. I know that they miss me, and I miss them incredibly, but the conversation was more like an excerpt from a Star Wars conversation between C3Po and R2D2. No matter what i asked them, “have you been playing lots of soccer?” the answer was always “yeah”. I made a joke and said something to the effect of “OK, so now I have a challenge – and that is to ask a question which will produce the answer No”. Eventually, I got there – and they hadn’t been to the pool. I asked if I should call back again tomorrow, and the eldest said “no” . “it is a bit weird speaking with me after not seeing each-other for so long, isn’t it”. “Nah”. “Oh, I suppose somebody is standing there listening to you?” “yeh”. “Okay, I’m happy to speak with them too – who is it?” . “I don’t want to tell you”. Right.
The notion that anything could be carefree, innocent, lovely, or a breath of fresh air went out the window when the two parents could not agree upon anything – outside of a court room. The ideal future, is almost fairy tale – and I wish that I could give the boys some fairy dust to float away on.
If reassurance was fairy dust, we’d have plenty. Maybe that’s all they really need. Reassurance that I will be here for them no matter what. I am their mum – that smallest fragment of fairy tale that endures the endless shit life has on offer.